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Christine: Warrior Princess

"The Worst Threat Of All"

by thenorm

Disclaimer: Okay, this one is a little different. To be honest, we were horsing around Christmas 1998 with a Polaroid…one thing led to another…then - WHAM! A story! As you might have guessed, this is loosely based upon Renaissance Picture's television series, Xena: Warrior Princess. I, of course do not own those characters or show or life would be a lot different!

Violence: Well, ok, I guess so, but only if you insist. But really…wait until you hear the threat to decide…

Subtext: Ha! Not in this one….


In a time of

Annoying Aunts,

Bothersome brothers,

And crazy cousins,

There was

Christine: Warrior Princess…


The theatrics,

The drama,

The would-be teenager that would change the world!


It was a rather warm winter day when the Evil Aunt Norma appeared, riding atop her armored steed, the fabled Sonoma. Jake the Great - Boy, do I owe him a body slam!

Searching through the village for Jake the Great, she terrorized the villagers with threats of song and great mirth if they failed to cooperate.

"Ha!" Evil Aunt Norma laughed aloud. "If that's not a scary thought, I don't know what is!"

A frightened, young villager went in search of Jake the Great. Finding him in The Heroes Hall, he implored Jake to save the village from a fate worse than death!

"Please," he begged. "Please, Jake the Great, save us from a fate worse than death!"

Jake raised an eyebrow as he drank from his goblet. "And what could that be?"

The villager replied in sheer terror. "Evil Aunt Norma has threatened to sing!"

"Where is your village, friend?" Jake gasped. He knew Aunt Norma was evil, but for her to sing? That was low, even for her! "I cannot allow this kind of mass torture!"

"It is three leagues from here. Hurry, kind sir! My villagers cannot hope to overcome such a vile threat!"

Jake replied solemnly as he gathered his things. "I know. I have heard her sing."


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


The two men traveled to the village quickly.

As Jake the Great searched for the horrible villain, he realized that his sword was still in The Heroes Hall. "Oh, no," he cried aloud. "I cannot face that cruel woman without a weapon."

Suddenly, Evil Aunt Norma appeared from an alley. "I wouldn't worry about that, Jacob! I've got you now!" Quickly, she moved in to capture Jake the Great!

Jake the Great was stunned. Before he knew what was happening, Evil Aunt Norma body-slammed him. Oh no, what can I do? If only Christine: Warrior Princess knew of my plight!

Evil Aunt Norma laughed heartily. Soon, the countryside shall be mine! Who will stop me? The Warrior Princess thinks Jake the Great will save them! Ha! I’m so bad!!!!


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


As the sun set in the tiny village, the inhabitants were losing hope.

"I wish Christine: Warrior Princess knew of our plight! Only she can save us now!"

With much pizzazz and great flare, an image coalesced from afar.

"Look," a villager cried. "Do you see that?"

"Yes," another replied. "But I don't believe it! It's Christine: Warrior Princess, come to save us all!"

Approaching with her mighty multi-colored sword at the ready, she hailed the villagers. "Never fear! It is I, Christine: Warrior Princess! I have come to save you from that dreaded Evil Aunt Norma!"

A cheer went up from the crowd. At last, a real chance to be free of the tyranny!

"Where can I find this villain?"

"Oh, Warrior Princess," a villager shouted. "You must hurry to the Alley of Annoyance, for she has captured Jake the Great and holds him there!"

Christine smirked as she walked towards the Alley of Annoyance. "She holds him, does she? Well, I'm almost a teenager now. Her threats are meaningless to me!"


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


The Warrior Princess crept through the Alley of Annoyance, determined to gain the advantage on Evil Aunt Norma. Spying the villain and her captive ahead, she moved forth with great stealth, attacking the vile creature from behind.

"I've got you now, you vile woman!" Christine morphed her mighty multi-colored sword into a boomerang and threw it around Evil Aunt Norma's neck.

"Wha…" Evil Aunt Norma was totally taken by surprise! She thought the Warrior Princess was watching the 'N Sync concert on the Disney Channel!

"You will not win, Aunt Norma! I'm almost a teenager now!"

Freeing himself from his bindings, Jake the Great leapt to his feet, grabbed a throwing stone and rushed the wrongdoer!

"I've got you now, Aunt Norma!" Jake began hitting the vile creature with his weapon, extracting his revenge. "Christine has helped me - you cannot win this day!"

Taking the Warrior Princess' multi-colored sword, Jake the Great pinned Evil Aunt Norma. Grinning savagely, he positioned the sword on her chest. "What do you say now?"

Christine chimed in. "You cannot win, you Evil Aunt!"

Without warning, Evil Aunt Norma turned on her side and threw a smoke bomb. "I shall be free!"

Scrambling to her feet, she began running down the Alley of Annoyance.

"Come on," Jake the Great implored. "She's getting away!"

"Fear not, Brave Jacob," Christine answered. There is a blockage up ahead. She cannot prevail!"

Truer words were never spoken. Before Evil Aunt Norma had a chance to make any escape plans, she found herself trapped!

And that is how Christine: Warrior Princess and Jake the Great saved the village from Evil Aunt Norma!

…. Beware of those who threaten you with song…I can only pray that Christine: Warrior Princess and Jake the Great are on hand to save you from such a vile creature!


The End


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